Note: I honestly can’t believe that I am posting this. I am extremely worried about the response I will receive, yet I wanted to put it out there. So here goes.
I am feeling so uncomfortable right now. I feel lost within my life and unsure of where I’m going. Not only am I uncomfortable with my surroundings, but I am also uncomfortable with myself and my body.
Discomfort in my surroundings – Without getting into details, suffice it to say that there has been some recent turbulence within my immediate family that has caused me to feel unstable. It doesn’t have to do with anyone’s physical health – it has to do with finances, investments, assets, and resources.
There is a lot of unknown right now, and it has me extremely nervous, scared, and confused. My plans are no longer applicable. So many variables are up in the air right now and unknown, that there is no way to plan anything. And I am a planner. I like having plans. I like having stability. I thrive on consistency and direction. Without it, I truly feel lost.
Discomfort with myself and my body – I am a food addict. Due to the stress I have been feeling, I have resorted to my maladaptive coping mechanism of binge eating. This awful “habit” has plagued me for nearly 7 years. It is a cycle. Sometimes I do well and I don’t overeat… other times, I don’t do so well. Right now, I am doing terrible. The past 2 months have been exceptionally difficult.
Over the years, I have gone through days, weeks, or even months of “sobriety” – only to have the addiction resurface when times get tough.
I am tired of it. I am tired of being ashamed. I am tired of feeling so unbelievably frustrated with myself and my inability to stop overeating. I am tired of being embarrassed. I am tired of feeling like an awful mother for not being able to be as present as I would like with my son. I am tired of feeling like an inadequate wife to my husband. I am just so tired.
And I know it’s not alcohol. I know it isn’t drugs. I know many people would dismiss my addiction as something trivial – but it’s not an insignificant addiction, at least not to me. It is truly disrupting my life. And it really needs to stop.
I plan on going back to therapy soon – which will hopefully help. I know I will always have an issue with food – but I know things can be better. I can get better.
Oh honey... I'm in tears reading this. I'm so sorry. Any addiction is painful, the reasons behind them are so often similar. I'll email you my number in a minute... but just know you're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeletekudos to you for being so open. it's SO important to be yourself, flaws and imperfections and depressions and addictions and all. thank you for sharing something so personal. don't feel like you have to explain your addiction - an addiction is an addiction, if the person with it believes so. good luck with therapy - we all need it. i've realized a lot recently that life really IS a bitch and then you die. there's a lot of great stuff about life, but damn, there's a ton of crap that makes it hard to see the good sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHi Melissa - I admire you for putting this out there on your blog. I know we have talked about this and honestly, what you are dealing with is not trivial and no one will think so. As addiction is an addiction and whatever the addiction is the end result is it takes over your life. I hope putting this all out there will help you in thinking through next steps, I know for me talking about being unhappy for so long has helped me a lot in figuring out a way forward and although I have as you already know many other issues still to work through I do feel I have finally started on a good road. Any time you want to talk I am there for you and anything I can do to help I will gladly do, I hope you already know that.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry things are so turbulent for you right now. It is so hard to avoid the kitchen when all that is happening is a racing mind. I hope you can find some other comfort soon!
ReplyDeleteIf there is anywhere you will get support it's here in bloggyland. You have mine and you are so strong for putting this out there...letting us in a little bit.
ReplyDeleteBeing a planner myself I can relate to feeling "lost" when "things" aren't in place. My doctor prescribed Xanax to take the edge off when it gets to be too much.
Therapy is good, even wonderful. I hope it can bring you back to your idea of normal.
I'm thinking of you and lending you my support. (You can do this.)
I know what you're feeling. I get it. You're in my thoughts. I'm glad you shared. Hope it helped a bit.
ReplyDeleteYour addiction is just as big an addiction as drugs, alcohol , smoking. Don't ever think it isn't " real " because it is. Food addiction can be just as destroying as the " normal " stuff.
ReplyDeleteYou were big and brave for sharing this with us all. We're here for you!
You've pinpointed exactly why food addictions and/or disordered eating are so destructive and endless. Shoving food down your throat isn't less destructive or emotionally screwed up than sticking a needle in your arm, yet no one wants to acknowledge that.
ReplyDeleteBut, yes, you are in the right place because you have our support and understanding. Also, sometimes writing things down helps you build up your courage and will to make the changes you need.
I'm sending you strength and hugs and really good vibes.
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteMaybe it helps to know that you are not alone in this. People everywhere are struggling with difficulties in their lives right now related to problems with finance, businesses, employment and it leads to increased stress, problems with communication, marriage, health - everything! So know that you aren't alone. We've become very good at hiding our troubles from others, but they surface somewhere . . . lack of sleep, overeating, and the abuse of other substances.
There's a tremendous support group out there, you were brave to share. Bet you anything, all your readers could share similar circumstances. Love and hugs to you - don't give up. Never stop trying. Celebrate each small success!
Kristin
I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. And eating disorders are incredibly horrid... there's way too many people who blow them off as nothing when they are just as bad as every other addiction out there.
ReplyDeleteYou are very brave - but I bet you feel at least a little better seeing all these wonderful people who are behind you 100%!
Hang in there, sweetie! I'm sure the anxiety of the financial stresses are a real trigger to the addiction. Forgive yourself for using a destructive means for trying to comfort yourself. People under great stress frequently do go back to old habits for comfort.
ReplyDeleteHere's something that works for managing my anxiety, when I have it: try to step outside your struggles once a day and find one thing to admire and/or be grateful for. Really focus on the beauty or the gratitude for as long as you can, even if it is only for 30 seconds. Gradually work up to longer and longer times. It'll take the edge off your pain and anxiety.
I hope things start getting easier for you, soon!
MY DEAR MELLISA
ReplyDeleteAS I AM TRYING TO WRITE THIS I HURT FOR YOU!! YOU KNOW THAT I AM HERE FOR YOU ANYTIME YOU NEED ME.I KNOW SOME OF THE STRESS THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND I AM TRYING TO DO MY BEST TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND THATDS NOT EASY!! BUT LET ME SAY THIS IT IS GOING TO BE O.K. AND IT MIGHT TAKE A LITTLE TIME BUT IT WILL ALL WORK OUT YOU REALLY DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY ! YOU HAVE A WONDERFULL FAMILY AND THEY WILL DO ALL THEY CAN FOR YOU YOU CANT GET YOURSELF SO DOWN THAT IT WILL BE HARD FOR YOU TO GET BACK UP.
YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD MOM AND WIFE DONT EVER THINK THAT YOUR NOT YOU DONT NEED TO FEED THAT MONSTER THAT SAYS YOUR NOT LET YOUR HEART TELL YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW AND THAT MAN UPSTAIRS WILL HELP YOU!!!
YOU HAVE ALL MY LOVE!!
GRAM
oh sweet girl - i'm sad to read of your discomforts.
ReplyDeletei hope that in being brave enough to share these feelings with us, that you will find some additional strength to face them (again and again and again.)
there are a lot of people who care about you -- and i hope you know this.
Oh Melissa, I just wish I had something fabulous to say. In some way or another, I can totally relate to everything you have said. After having PPD, I have always felt like I am not the best wife or mother that my family deserves.
ReplyDeleteTry to be strong, and know that you have so many people thinking of you:)
I am sorry to hear that you have felt such discomfort in your life lately. I wish you the best and hope that you find some comfort and feeling of stability soon.
ReplyDeleteThe unknown is such a scary thing. I don't like it either. I need to know. Hmmm wonder where my daughter gets it. It's not an easy thing.
ReplyDeleteFood addiction is truly like a drug. Especially with chocolate...at least for me. That is my comfort food. And the really sucky thing about our kind of addiction is... you HAVE to EAT!
I am sending you virtual hugs. Hang in there.
Oh honey... I am so sorry. This too shall pass and you are definitely not alone. Wish we lived closer - I got a feeling you would be a wonderful friend to have.
ReplyDeleteLots of hugs. I can relate to the whole finances issues., We are going through some difficulties right now that have us both in a state of depression..canceled holidays, vacation plans shoved to the back burner, etc. I tend to eat away my feelings of depression too, and I am a diabetic so this is not good. We are only human, and we can only deal with so many thing, and we all have our ways of releasing. THanks for sharing yours.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are going through so much uncertainty. I have been going through this for so long now and it kills me. I have dealt with these issues in my own unhealthy ways and it's tough to get back on track. I like how you ended this post in saying you will get better. Email me if you need to do any venting or whatever. And a belated thank you to offering your own advice/input on the situation I asked you about. I'm sorry I never responded! Chin up, hang in there. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are struggling with some stressors in your life right now. I wish you "comfort" and wellbeing.
ReplyDeleteHey girl...I know I'm a little belated with the comment but I haven't been on the blog for a while...so sorry you're having some down times. Just wanted to say that I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Love you Mel!! Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteCourtney