Note: I honestly can’t believe that I am posting this. I am extremely worried about the response I will receive, yet I wanted to put it out there. So here goes.
I am feeling so uncomfortable right now. I feel lost within my life and unsure of where I’m going. Not only am I uncomfortable with my surroundings, but I am also uncomfortable with myself and my body.
Discomfort in my surroundings – Without getting into details, suffice it to say that there has been some recent turbulence within my immediate family that has caused me to feel unstable. It doesn’t have to do with anyone’s physical health – it has to do with finances, investments, assets, and resources.
There is a lot of unknown right now, and it has me extremely nervous, scared, and confused. My plans are no longer applicable. So many variables are up in the air right now and unknown, that there is no way to plan anything. And I am a planner. I like having plans. I like having stability. I thrive on consistency and direction. Without it, I truly feel lost.
Discomfort with myself and my body – I am a food addict. Due to the stress I have been feeling, I have resorted to my maladaptive coping mechanism of binge eating. This awful “habit” has plagued me for nearly 7 years. It is a cycle. Sometimes I do well and I don’t overeat… other times, I don’t do so well. Right now, I am doing terrible. The past 2 months have been exceptionally difficult.
Over the years, I have gone through days, weeks, or even months of “sobriety” – only to have the addiction resurface when times get tough.
I am tired of it. I am tired of being ashamed. I am tired of feeling so unbelievably frustrated with myself and my inability to stop overeating. I am tired of being embarrassed. I am tired of feeling like an awful mother for not being able to be as present as I would like with my son. I am tired of feeling like an inadequate wife to my husband. I am just so tired.
And I know it’s not alcohol. I know it isn’t drugs. I know many people would dismiss my addiction as something trivial – but it’s not an insignificant addiction, at least not to me. It is truly disrupting my life. And it really needs to stop.
I plan on going back to therapy soon – which will hopefully help. I know I will always have an issue with food – but I know things can be better. I can get better.