feeling like a burden.

I will warn you that this is going to be a bit of a vent, so consider yourself warned.

Now onto the post -

Sometimes I feel like a burden. Mostly in relation to my husband. As a stay-at-home mom with one child who doesn't yet go to school or a Mother's Day Out program, I have to arrange for childcare anytime that I need to do anything alone.

I suppose I could find and hire a babysitter, but I honestly don't want to do that. We have never had to get a "babysitter." Randy and I have been very fortunate to have parental figures who are able to watch our children. Randy's mom and aunt are available most weeknights and weekends. My mom is occasionally available; however, currently she is working as a nanny for my sister. She is not living in the area during the week and therefore isn't available to watch the kids. She won't be back in town until July.

So I feel like I am "doing it alone" so to speak and it can be tricky when I have meetings and appointments that I need to attend without the kids. Evening meetings/appointments aren't a problem - for the most part. But daytime meetings/appointments are tricky.

I have to check with Randy to see if he can watch the kids. I have to have his help. I am dependent on him to do anything without the kids. It is frustrating and I honestly hate it. I sincerely despise being and feeling so dependent on others.

Harper will start a Mother's Day Out program in the Fall. At that point, I will have two mornings a week in which I can schedule meetings and appointments without having to arrange for childcare. It will be a relief.

As an aside, I am also desperate for her to start the Mother's Day Out program so I can have some alone time. I can get work done at home and I can actually be alone. I remember when Hayden first started attending the Mother's Day Out program and the feeling I got being alone in my own home that first day. It was surreal and felt wrong - but it was still a nice feeling. I wasn't having to be "on" and I could just relax.

Suffice it to say, I don't like feeling and being so dependent on others. It's extremely demoralizing. I suppose that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Not always, but there are definite moments in which I feel like a burden.